I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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