I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
