Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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