we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
