He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
