you guys were way drunker than both of me
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
