dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
