hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
