Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
