Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
