where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Randomize
