oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Let's get the cat blown out
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
