before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
MIDGETS
????
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
