I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
