i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
