i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
