We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
