Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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