If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
