she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
being pregnant is like rehab
No...this little piggys going to the bar
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
