you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
