the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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