why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
