i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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