When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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