1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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