ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
