I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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