Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
