I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize