I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
My cat gives me a boner
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
