I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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