I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
