we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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