I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
