does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize