every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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