Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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