Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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