Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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