I was born with a shot glass in my hand
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Randomize
