you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
