I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
