Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
