Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize