You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
