She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
