I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
