If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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