dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
