Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
