Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
