she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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