i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
