Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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