I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
My Sexting was not on an AP level
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
