Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
