I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
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