For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
