I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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