she looked like the bat from fern gully.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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