I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
