Where did you get a picture of my penis
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
