I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Randomize
