Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
