Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
