Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
