I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
