My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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