I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
