did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
