Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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