EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
