i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
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