So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
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