I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize